The Bookies and Me

I have been known to place the odd few pounds or euros on a nag. I’ve even been known to back a winner on occasion. I’m no gambler though and if I do place a bet I do it in the full knowledge that I probably will lose the lot and so what? As long as I get some entertainment from the race and my horse puts in a decent effort.

I’ve also been known to invest a few pounds on the stock markets as you do. Not much but a few pounds in the full knowledge that companies fail or succeed, external factors, management decisions, personalities, actually a million different factors may influence whether I make a few bob or not. I am prudent. I spread my options. Safe options, iffy options, speculative stocks, a little on promising start ups or tech companies maybe.

The safest option was always the banks. I had a penny or two in Bank of Ireland shares back in the day bought at around €10. (I still do, they’ve doubled in value in recent weeks from 8c to 16c!) I’ll not go there. That’s the risk I took and I’m not really any poorer because of it due to me only being a dabbler. Pissed off, yes.

Now imagine if I approached you, presuming that you are a Bank of Ireland customer, and told you that because my investment had, eh, not worked out the way I expected, so please could you visit your atm, while I accompany you with a metaphorical gun to your head, and withdraw a few pounds for my “compensation fund”. I presume you may have an answer for me.

If I returned to the bookie after the race and asked for my stake back on the basis that my horse had “underperformed” I presume he may have an answer for me.

Tonight the people of Cyprus, in similar circumstances, gave an answer.

Would you?

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The Pub Quiz Question.

I have been asked to partake in a forthcoming Pub Quiz for an excellent cause naturally you understand. The fact that it is in a pub is purely incidental.

Why my particular skills are in demand is a mystery to me as I tend to weigh up the why’s, wherefore’s. how’s, if’s, but’s and maybe’s to an annoying degree while waiting for my pint to settle. It has been said that I am more concerned with accuracy than speed. I also tend to seek consensus rather than impose my invariably correct answers on the team.  I always considered that a good thing! Not in a pub quiz apparently.

Anyhow, the team may consist of an assortment of fellow bloggers or so I am told and I have been given the task of choosing a name. Hmmmmm.

I refuse to go with the initial suggestion of “Not the Sluggers”.

Help?

My Lovely Car….

Gregory’s new runabout

No, I’m not doing advertising just yet on this blog. I’m not even buying one of these, but for some reason certain Unionist politicians have their y-fronts in a knot over a new runabout on the market. I am sure the South Korean makers had this corner of the world to the forefront of their minds when dreaming up the name for their latest engineering triumph.

Those of you with a business background will be aware of the perils of cultural sensitivities.

From the Newsletter:

“Korean car maker Kia faced calls from MPs to rebrand its latest model because it shares its name with the Provisional IRA.

Unionist MPs said the Kia Provo should be renamed and given a title which is “not associated with terror and mayhem”.

The Democratic Unionist Party’s Gregory Campbell (East Londonderry) and William McCrea (South Antrim) claimed the name had caused “deep offence”.

The Provo concept car was unveiled at the Geneva motor show, with Kia claiming the “sleek, low, yet muscular coupe-style” design was “meant to be cheeky and cheerful in its compactness and to hint at the fun awaiting on the open road”.”

How dare they not have taken Gregory and Willie’s opinions on board ?

A Sad Song for Sunday

A Cork girl singing a Kerry lament by Sigerson Clifford about lost love, rebellion, freedom, emigration and a return to better times. Brilliantly.

 

Maximus Gaamanicus

The Bangordub guide to Irish Wildlife

Part 2.

Typically living in more rural habitats this species is a curious creature. It is believed that in its younger years, the older ones were invariably good enough to engage in their favourite sport at “County Level”, at least it will usually claim this, although given the width of its girth this may be difficult to believe. It may be spotted perched upon bar counters across the country wearing a jacket with the crested emblem visible on the left breast. The emblem tends to vary depending upon where in the country it is spotted.

It has a communication system all of its own peppered with strange phrases. For instance, Premier league games on the TV are referred to as “Soccer”, political discussions are called “the National Question” and discussions about celebrities tend to be centered upon the best position the individual might occupy on “the team”.

Unlike “Soccer” they have no time for members of their species that like to flaunt their plumage, although every team has one. (Team or Club or County are the collective nouns). Dyed hair, fancy clothes and flashy cars are a definite no-no. However here is how to spot this particular type:

• The socks will be pulled up above the knees

• Jersey sleeves will be taped up to reveal the “guns” or lack thereof.

• He will usually be the free taker on the team, employing some gimpy run up routine, designed to emulate Johnny Wilkinson, but in actual fact ends up resembling something from SwanLake..

• Bleached blonde hair or long flowing locks. Designed to entice a tough corner back to, “grab a good hold of it”.

• Henry Ford said that the public “can have any colour car…as long as it’s black”. The modern day GAA poser has taken this timeless phrase/philosophy, flipped it on its head and adopted that approach to their football boots. It seems their ethos is that they can have any colour, as long as it’s NOT black.

• Somewhere in the stand will be the WAG, any score from the poser will be immediately followed by an over-elaborate gesture of love to said WAG.

• In extreme cases, the player will de-robe in the immediate aftermath of a score, revealing a personal message written on a t-shirt underneath his jersey. This message will often contain embarrassing spelling errors.

• You could set the clock by them suffering a career threatening injury, only to make a miraculous recovery in time to kick the resulting free.

• More Skin on show than a page 3 model due to a too small top.

• Any tattoos or body ink will be revealed throughout the course of the game, or the jersey will be discarded at the final whistle (despite Baltic conditions).

• Will usually have a piercing that will have to be made a big deal out of by plastering over it.

• Physiotherapists and doctors alike are baffled at the problems with cramp that seems to be synonymous with posers.

• Any form of cold weather will require a snood

The rest of the “team” will be embarrassed by this creature as they pride themselves, naturally, on how different they are to the aforementioned “Soccer” species. Great pleasure is taken in any fall from grace by one of these.

This species tends to be at it’s peak during the Summer months leading up to its AGPU or annual general piss up which takes place at the spiritual home of the creature. Crokius Parkidinium.

The Bangordub guide to Irish Wildlife

This may be part of a series if it is thought worthwhile.

Part 1:

Orangicus Itinere Erectus.

This species is very common in the north east counties, particularly during July and August. It is easily identified by its dark plumage with lighter stripes augmented by a fantastic orange collarette about its neck and drawing to a southern point at its midriff. It generally has an exaggerated upright, almost backward leaning gait and carries its jaw at an upward thrust. It is unclear if this is part of a mating ritual. ( I will examine this in greater detail when studying Orangicus Lilicus, the female of the species) For the most part it is somewhat taciturn in nature but when roused, is given to sudden, largely incoherent, loud shouting. This shouting generally involves repeating the learned historical phrases of its flock. Ad nauseum.

The instincts of this particular species are fascinating to observe. They appear to gain particular satisfaction from parading around the nests of other species and discomfiting their habitats as much as possible, much like the Cuckoo or the Magpie. (They particularly seem to like doing this where the Exra politicus or Catholicus Chapilicos are common) They are unquestionably a herd creature although strangely they seem to choose their loudest, rather than their smartest, as the herd leaders.

Unfortunately their numbers have been dwindling in recent years largely due to a declining habitat and their unfortunate habit of alienating other species. They are however a hugely interesting and fascinating species to which, perhaps, consideration should be given to providing protected status.

At the very least they deserve a place in the Museum of Natural History in Dublin which, I believe, they richly deserve.