The Bangordub guide to Irish Wildlife
Part 2.
Typically living in more rural habitats this species is a curious creature. It is believed that in its younger years, the older ones were invariably good enough to engage in their favourite sport at “County Level”, at least it will usually claim this, although given the width of its girth this may be difficult to believe. It may be spotted perched upon bar counters across the country wearing a jacket with the crested emblem visible on the left breast. The emblem tends to vary depending upon where in the country it is spotted.
It has a communication system all of its own peppered with strange phrases. For instance, Premier league games on the TV are referred to as “Soccer”, political discussions are called “the National Question” and discussions about celebrities tend to be centered upon the best position the individual might occupy on “the team”.
Unlike “Soccer” they have no time for members of their species that like to flaunt their plumage, although every team has one. (Team or Club or County are the collective nouns). Dyed hair, fancy clothes and flashy cars are a definite no-no. However here is how to spot this particular type:
- The socks will be pulled up above the knees
- Jersey sleeves will be taped up to reveal the “guns” or lack thereof.
- He will usually be the free taker on the team, employing some gimpy run up routine, designed to emulate Johnny Wilkinson, but in actual fact ends up resembling something from SwanLake..
- Bleached blonde hair or long flowing locks. Designed to entice a tough corner back to, “grab a good hold of it”.
- Henry Ford said that the public “can have any colour car…as long as it’s black”. The modern day GAA poser has taken this timeless phrase/philosophy, flipped it on its head and adopted that approach to their football boots. It seems their ethos is that they can have any colour, as long as it’s NOT black.
- Somewhere in the stand will be the WAG, any score from the poser will be immediately followed by an over-elaborate gesture of love to said WAG.
- In extreme cases, the player will de-robe in the immediate aftermath of a score, revealing a personal message written on a t-shirt underneath his jersey. This message will often contain embarrassing spelling errors.
- You could set the clock by them suffering a career threatening injury, only to make a miraculous recovery in time to kick the resulting free.
- More Skin on show than a page 3 model due to a too small top.
- Any tattoos or body ink will be revealed throughout the course of the game, or the jersey will be discarded at the final whistle (despite Baltic conditions).
- Will usually have a piercing that will have to be made a big deal out of by plastering over it.
- Physiotherapists and doctors alike are baffled at the problems with cramp that seems to be synonymous with posers.
- Any form of cold weather will require a snood
The rest of the “team” will be embarrassed by this creature as they pride themselves, naturally, on how different they are to the aforementioned “Soccer” species. Great pleasure is taken in any fall from grace by one of these.
This species tends to be at it’s peak during the Summer months leading up to its AGPU or annual general piss up which takes place at the spiritual home of the creature. Crokius Parkidinium.
fitzjameshorse said:
I think there is a hierarchy to this kinda thing.
wearing a replica county jersey from an Ulster county designates that the wearer is actually little more than a native of that county.
wearing a replica shirt from Galway, Mayo or Clare indicates that you have visited the county.
wearing a shirt from Leitrim, Longford or Westmeath indicates your mother has visited these counties and that you have a large collection.
wearing a club jersey…is an indication that you do actually play for a club, especially if the number on the back is 2. 4 or 5. The number 10, 11, 12 should be avoided as that is shown off.
Nobody ever wears a real county jersey 1-15 . At best this denotes that you have played for the minor team….once….three years ago. Real county players don’t have to prove themselves.
surprisingly the #23 or #27 are the most sought after jerseys as this indicates you are “on the panel”. It really makes no difference that its a county jersey or a club jersey because this indicates you are a modest kinda guy….a team player….which women aged 18-21 find attractive.
A useful accessory is a kit bag. The attractive GAA motif on one side and a credible name on the other side….Bellaghy Wolfe Tones, Crossmaglen Rangers, Errigal Ciaran having high street cred.
A growing tendency for young women to wear GAA shirts indicates they never miss a match if their daddy can get a ticket.
Numbers are often on these shirts. If they are QUB first years….this indicates that their brothers/cousins are on the team so be careful when approaching them.
If they are second years, it means their boyfriend is on the team.
If they are third years, it means their fiancé is on the team…..he might be unaware that he is a fiancé until the wedding day.
Strapping big agricultural girls who wear GAA shirts…with numbers on them means they are from Tyrone and should be avoided as they are actually more fierce than any man you’re likely to meet.
wearing any GAA shirt is an indicator of being extremely social…for male and females. And the wearer will have an interesting collection of photographs on Facebook.
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MPG ..... said:
Whats with the frivolity, all of a sudden ………… 🙂
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bangordub said:
Ah MPG, you see with all being quiet on the North Eastern front at the moment I thought I’d brighten things up ! Flags, UUP implosions, impending ward data being released next week 🙂 and this mornings latest cause for celebration, a unionist unity pact in mid Ulster….
I just wanted to make my own little contribution to the general merriment, plus as you can see from the comments in the previous post in this series, it gives people an excuse to get their own creative juices flowing. 😉
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MPG ..... said:
Indeed, keep it flowing! I have no idea how you all have the time. Its nearly a fulltime job just reading this and following links on here. Best wishes to you all and I can’t wait for the analysis of the output due at the end of the month. Horseman has a smile on his face in heaven.
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bangordub said:
MPG,
I spend about an hour a day working on this but many more hours thinking about it 😉
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oakleaf said:
I knew a boy from Ballinderry (Co Derry/Tyrone) because he didn’t drink come university grant time he’d take himself down to the nearest sports shop and buy about 5/6 gaa kits of any club or county (apart from the rivals of course).
I’d wear any county top apart from Tyrone or Antrim.
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dublin6w said:
Hi
Please can you expand on the mid Ulster unity candidate and why are unity candidates so bad for unionism.
Surely such unity will wndanger FST and South Belfast
Slán
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bangordub said:
Dublin 6w,
Hi, I think there is a lengthy post in answering your question fully but briefly, when unionists run a unity candidate, it tends to maximise the nationalist vote to a greater degree and it tends to turn off many unionists who’s choice is limited by the tactic. Of course it only may be of use in first past the post elections. What’s more it is a tactic that has failed before in both constituencies you mention and is likely to fail again. It certainly will in mid ulster. The only question there is how many votes Patsy McGlone, a strong candidate, will win for the SDLP.
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