The Bangordub guide to Irish Wildlife

Part 2.


Typically living in more rural habitats this species is a curious creature. It is believed that in its younger years, the older ones were invariably good enough to engage in their favourite sport at “County Level”, at least it will usually claim this, although given the width of its girth this may be difficult to believe. It may be spotted perched upon bar counters across the country wearing a jacket with the crested emblem visible on the left breast. The emblem tends to vary depending upon where in the country it is spotted.

It has a communication system all of its own peppered with strange phrases. For instance, Premier league games on the TV are referred to as “Soccer”, political discussions are called “the National Question” and discussions about celebrities tend to be centered upon the best position the individual might occupy on “the team”.

Unlike “Soccer” they have no time for members of their species that like to flaunt their plumage, although every team has one. (Team or Club or County are the collective nouns). Dyed hair, fancy clothes and flashy cars are a definite no-no. However here is how to spot this particular type:

  • The socks will be pulled up above the knees
  • Jersey sleeves will be taped up to reveal the “guns” or lack thereof.
  • He will usually be the free taker on the team, employing some gimpy run up routine, designed to emulate Johnny Wilkinson, but in actual fact ends up resembling something from SwanLake..
  • Bleached blonde hair or long flowing locks. Designed to entice a tough corner back to, “grab a good hold of it”.
  • Henry Ford said that the public “can have any colour car…as long as it’s black”. The modern day GAA poser has taken this timeless phrase/philosophy, flipped it on its head and adopted that approach to their football boots. It seems their ethos is that they can have any colour, as long as it’s NOT black.
  • Somewhere in the stand will be the WAG, any score from the poser will be immediately followed by an over-elaborate gesture of love to said WAG.
  • In extreme cases, the player will de-robe in the immediate aftermath of a score, revealing a personal message written on a t-shirt underneath his jersey. This message will often contain embarrassing spelling errors.
  • You could set the clock by them suffering a career threatening injury, only to make a miraculous recovery in time to kick the resulting free.
  • More Skin on show than a page 3 model due to a too small top.
  • Any tattoos or body ink will be revealed throughout the course of the game, or the jersey will be discarded at the final whistle (despite Baltic conditions).
  • Will usually have a piercing that will have to be made a big deal out of by plastering over it.
  • Physiotherapists and doctors alike are baffled at the problems with cramp that seems to be synonymous with posers.
  • Any form of cold weather will require a snood

The rest of the “team” will be embarrassed by this creature as they pride themselves, naturally, on how different they are to the aforementioned “Soccer” species. Great pleasure is taken in any fall from grace by one of these.

This species tends to be at it’s peak during the Summer months leading up to its AGPU or annual general piss up which takes place at the spiritual home of the creature. Crokius Parkidinium.